Oh where has it gone?

The past week and a half has been a bit crazy. I had back to back performances and was pretty strung out with lack of sleep. Given my schedule I was unable to go for a run or a bike ride all last week. So of course…there went my motivation. There went my routine and thus I have had a VERY hard time getting back into the swing of things this week. It’s Thursday and I have yet to run or bike ride.

I’m still waking up and doing my morning crunches as well as my burpees and commandos but that’s about it. I’m sure that it doesn’t help much that depression has kicked back in. Granted I’m sure that also has to do with the lack of exercise.

Ahhhhh its like a vicious circle of BLAHHHHH

I’m hoping to get back on this horse and soon. I have the Spartan Sprint at the end of April that I need to be hardcore training for. But all I want to do when I get home lately is relax and read. Disconnect from the world. Just let my body melt into the couch for an hour or two and once I do that….well there’s just no way I’m going to get on that bike.

I will make it through….this has only been my 5 day struggle.

Today…I will go for a run.

 

(I’ll let you know how it went tomorrow lol)

 

I don’t see what you see

It’s been a little over a month now since I’ve been really hard core about my diet and exercise. Granted I’ve had my fair share of not so great days as I have blogged about previously. But for the most part I’ve done my best to really do some sort of activity every day (bike/run), I have woken up early and done at minimum 10 minutes of various ab workouts and/or weight lifting.

It’s finally reached that point where I am getting comments from people who I have ran into or who have seen me….

“Wow you look so thin”

“Look how skinny you’ve gotten”

Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc.

While I completely welcome and appreciate all of those comments I would be lying if I said I believed what they were saying. I am fully aware that I have lost weight. But I don’t FEEL “skinny”. I don’t FEEL “thin”. I still look in the mirror and see only the faults in every inch of my skin.

I can see where things overlap where they shouldn’t, I can see that I do NOT have a flat belly. I can see my double chin in every photo. I can see every part of my body that I absolutely loathe multiplied.

I truly don’t see what every one else sees. My self esteem is practically non-existent. (I know..I know..it’s something I’m working on.) But the truth of the  matter is I have a million cultural/societal reasons not to really fell “pretty” (See my other blog for more explanation on that whole thing http://www.helloitsq.com). I have tried to dress in what makes me feel more confident and even that comes with its own downfalls that I have yet to completely be ok with.

I just wish…I just hope…that one day I’ll be able to look in the mirror and not want to cry or yank pieces of myself off.

I bow to the peanut butter center

Yesterday was not a good day. Well it started off good. I woke up had a very healthy egg whites and turkey sausage breakfast and had a scrumptious lunch of broccoli and chicken. However, I did not plan for the day. I failed in ultimate snack prepping. I had to go from my first job to my next job, which is handling sound/lights for a kids theatre production and I did not think about the amount of time I would be with them. Since beginning this new weight loss goal I tend to get hungry about every 3 hours or so. Which is really strange for me because I used to be someone who never even noticed if I was hungry or not. I ate because I figured I needed to not because my body was asking for it. Well now…my body SCREAMS for it. So it happened.

The time was 5:45pm. I still had another hour with the kids and another 30 minutes after that before I would be home to cook something. It was then…that my stomach decided to work against me. It yelled, it screamed, it curled with desire for sustenance. I ran to the kitchen to see what “healthy” snack I could have that would also be filling enough for the next few hours. I searched…and searched. After looking everywhere in the limited amount of time I had to look in the first place I only had one option….

I did not want it…but I was starving and I was going to unleash the HANGER on poor children. So I decided to stuff my face with peanut butter deliciousness. I then of course went to scan this into my Weight Watchers app and…

I DIED….10 POINTS!!! TEN F*CKING POINTS!

So of course I could eat nothing but chicken and broccoli again for dinner cause I had basically just wiped my entire point range out with one damn snack. I even ran when I got home so I could have at least a yogurt. Good god. Needless to say I’m not doing that again, and I’ve packed at least 10 snacks for good measure so this does NOT happen again.

No pounds for you!

So this week has been rather tough on me. My anxiety and depression has taken over a good part of my motivation. Also, I’ve had a really crazy schedule which has made it increasingly difficult to get all my workouts in. Don’t worry I’m still doing burpees every time I get that text. But I’ve had more cravings than usual (I blame the sadness), and I also haven’t had but 1 day of meeting my Fitbit step goals.

Not sure what’s going on but I feel like this week has been just a waste. Still counting my points, still waking and doing crunches, biking when I can but alas no results. This morning I woke up and weighed myself and I had lost nothing. I suppose there’s always a plus…which is that I also didn’t gain any weight. But this is the part that’s difficult.

We all maintain motivated those first few weeks when we’ve lost those “water weight” pounds. When are body is in shock from the change and reacts immediately. It’s wonderful. Thus, we keep pushing and we diet more or exercise more and then BOOM.

You’ve reached a plateau. This is when you’re goals are truly testing you. Do you give up? Do you throw out all you’ve worked on? No…of course not. But that doesn’t mean the struggle isn’t real. That doesn’t mean its not a fight with yourself over why you aren’t seeing any results regardless of your hard work. It almost fuels the desire for more cravings in my case. It makes me want to eat that extra piece of bread because after all nothing has changed. Nothing has happened. I live in the flat lands now and I shall forever be here. I’m camping out here now, bring me ice cream!

I’m hoping my mood changes soon. I’m hoping that next week I’ll find the drive again to push myself a little harder than I have this weeK.

Anyone else struggling this week?

SuperBowl & The Devil with the box

I knew that Superbowl Sunday was going to be a huge challenge for me. Its a tradition to watch it and over the past few years we have setup a great drinking game to make it a little more fun. Especially since living in Miami we are Dolphins fans and as a realistic fan they wont be making it to the Superbowl any time soon. That also means that most of the times the Patriots are in the Superbowl and we HATE the Patriots. So drinking is a must.

With knowing what was going to happen I tried to prepare myself as best as possible. I woke up early and worked out for a good 30 minutes. Then I hopped on my bike and went for a nice 3 mile ride. Short and sweet, just something to get some exercise in and have enough time to still get the house ready for everyone.

I ate very low point meals for breakfast and lunch so I could have as many points possible in the evening for my delicious Landshark beers (also a light beer cause they are less points). I had also defrosted some hamburger mini patties so I could eat some bunless burgers. So I thought I was set. Figured I’d definitely go over my points cause of the beer but that was expected and I was OK with that. What I did not expect was that some devil would walk in through the door with 2 pizza boxes and worse of all cheesy bread! That devil placed those boxes right upon my face and at first I was able to avoid the temptation. I stuffed 2 mini burger patties in my mouth and ran outside. But touchdown after touchdown meant beer after beer and the intoxication was taking hold. It was lowering my ability to make good decisions and the smell of the pizza filled up the apartment. I felt like I was in a movie. Fear and Loathing in a Pizzeria. I finally just said yes to the slice and I devoured it. And that was it, I had opened the trash monster within. I then had some cheesy bread, a cupcake, pretzels. My body was asking for everything I had been depriving it of. And I willingly obliged.

Cut to me this morning…my body has forsaken me and it truly hates me for all of last nights decisions. I feel gross. I’ve had to take TUMS, Pepto, my body feels bloated. I feel heavy and bloated. It’s just all bad things today. I don’t know what kind of exercise I’m punishing myself with later but its going to be YUGE!

All I do know is….

RETURN OF THE FAT-I

I had been really excited when I weighed myself Saturday morning and found that I had lost an entire pound last week. It had been this pesky pound that I kept gaining and then losing and then gaining again. But last week it had finally stayed off. I had gone an entire week without seeing that number go up.

I’ve been extremely hard on myself trying to get into the 150s. I haven’t been in that weight bracket since I was freshly out of highschool. It’s not my entended final goal weight but its still a bracket I’ve been dying to be in. So when I finally lost that pound I felt like I was closer and closer to that beautiful number of 159…hey it’s in the 150s right?

But then life decided to give me a little smack in the face. I woke up this morning excited to weight myself (I usually weigh myself twice a week just to see what track I’m on. I realize this is probably a bad idea but um…fuck it.). So I made sure to pee (those are extra pounds I dont need to see on the scale). Took off every piece of clothing I could think of. Placed my scale in the exact same spot on the exact same tile I use every time. Made sure it was at the exact angle I always place.  I know it sounds crazy but I’m all about consistency and I’ll be damned if some un-leveled tile throws me off my groove. I get on the scale and…..

IT’S BACK!! THAT DAMN ONE POUND HAS RETURNED

You’re probably thinking to yourself don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s just one pound..oh yea? Is that what you think?

THIS IS WHAT ONE POUND OF FAT LOOKS LIKE!

 

Ugh!! I don’t know what else to do about that effin pound! It’s like it’s all I think about now. Today all day, everything I look at is like…will you bring upon me another pound of death?

 

You’re killing me Snapchat

Today’s feature Snapchat filter is brought to you by McDonalds. 

Reminding you how great burgers and nuggets are. Ugh! 

A Weekend of Shame

I was hoping with all hope that I would be able to maintain my will power throughout the weekend but that proved to be more difficult than I had originally intended. Saturday morning was amazing. I went straight to the scale and noticed that I had lost 1.3 lbs since last week. Which may not seem like a lot to some but to me that’s huge and also a healthy way of losing the weight. Trust me if I could be thin over night I would but truth is my bad habits would just ruin it all again. So my weekend of shame…it all started with a delicious beer on Saturday night. See running a venue and having shows until the wee hours of the morning and stay on my diet is rather difficult. Especially when it comes to the drinking department. I love me some liquid courage and celebratory clings of glasses as we cheer to a successful evening.

I once again saved my points for a few drinks however I did not take into account that after 4 hours of non stop running, dancing, screaming and pacing I would of course need to eat something. I tried to order the healthiest thing on the food truck menu but I finally had to use the Weight Watchers “weekly” points which I had done good not to tap into since starting.

I could hear little voices in my head saying “That wasn’t bad but make sure you run a little extra tomorrow or go for an extra mile on your bike ride”. And so I thought, you know what…one little slip isn’t going to kill me.

But then Sunday came and with it came tons and tons of rain which had me like:

Well, not exactly. Because it was more like:

I couldn’t go for a bike ride, I couldn’t go for a run. NOTHING. I longed to go outside. I often walked up to the window and laid my hand upon the glass begging for it to stop. I knew if I stayed inside without any kind of outdoor activity I was doomed. See, I don’t know about you guys but when I’m bored, I eat. It doesn’t matter what. I just eat. I get up walk to the kitchen look in the pantry for nothing in particular but I just grab something and eat it. I also have a tendency of getting bored rather quickly. Its why I always need to be on the goal or have something planned. But unfortunately I would end up doomed because it did not stop raining ALL DAY. (Thank you Miami! ).

So I tried to eat healthy for breakfast and lunch. I continued my “burpee” training throughout the day (although I did miss one or 2 just because I wasn’t near my phone until the 2nd message came in). But snacks….snacks were the death of me.

Burp…BEER!

So I knew this evening was coming. I had been invited to celebrate AUSSIE DAY with some friends. (We have an Australian friend in town). My wonderful friends had planned a night of drinking at a local World of Beer. We figured we would t
ry and be as AUSSIE as we could to help her feel some what at home. Apparently while their flag is the same colors as ours their National colors are gold and green. I’m pretty sure those who saw us at the bar originally thought we were die hard Packers fans refusing to admit to defeat lol.

 

Now you may not know this but I love beer as much as I love nuggets. Well…maybe not as much but pretty damn close. Since I knew this going in…I planned for it. I saved my points and made sure that I gave myself a limit. I cooked my dinner before leaving and had nothing but protein so that I wouldn’t feel so quilty.

 ONLY TWO BEERS I said to my friends…and myself.

As soon as I ordered my first beer I got a lovely text message reminding me to drop and do some BURPEES. Now of course I could’ve answered that I had done them and never really did. But 1. i hate to lie and 2. I’m really only damaging myself with that one in a long run. I’ve decided to be committed to this so that means being real and honest. I could’ve opted not to do them. Enjoy the time I had with my friends but what was 2 minutes? So I said fuck it…and right there, outside the bar, I dropped and did my 10 burpees of the evening.

Then as promised I ordered and had my second beer and didn’t feel like a complete failure for enjoying it. 

 

So far…so good…so slow…so sore!

So I have no been “dieting” ugh I hate that word. Let’s try I have been on a lifestyle adjustment period for approximately 3 weeks now and I have to say. It’s not going too bad. I’ve had a few bumps in the rode but I have been able to notice a difference not only in my figure (not much but some..hey remember its only been 3 weeks) but also in my attitude. That, to me is HUGE.

Of course the normal thing is always feeling more energized. This indeed has happened to me. But what’s surprising to me is how much more positive I feel about the world (which right now is a pretty shitty place) and those around me. I’m not so much on edge all the time. I live my life on the edge and im always ready to pounce. But since sticking to a workout routine and letting my energy out in a healthy fashion I feel like I’m a little more at ease. I’m a little more patient. I’m a little more….just ok with life and stress.

My anxiety has been at bay. I think that’s because my focus is on so many other things right now. Plus I’m keeping myself busy. My anxiety attacks whenever it wants but what perpetuates it is me. I usually can’t do anything but think about the anxiety. But now I’m focused on tracking my food, what I’m going to make for dinner, how am I going to schedule my workout today with the rest of the stuff on my task list. I think having something else to focus on and use my energy on has helped me in really just feeling better.

Now I’m not saying I still don’t  have my bad moments or anxious episodes but they are different as of late. They don’t last as long. Or I just keep pedaling thru it and distract myself with burpees.

I’m still at the same weight I was last week. I’m not sure if its because I’ve started to gain some muscle or because of the extreme drinking I did over the weekend. But I’m just happy to report I haven’t gained any weight. I did lose some weight in my fingers as my wedding band is now starting to slip.

I’ve also been doing the oh so famous #Burpees every day. But rather than trying to get a bunch done in the morning and all at once. I’ve been spreading them out throughout the day with the help of a friend. Which means that by the time I go to bed I’ve done about 80-100 burpees for the day. Today I can totally feel it. Although I now find myself trying to find hiding places at my job that I can do them without people thinking I have entirely lost my mind.